Performance Review

While doing my weekly vacuuming, I started thinking about a conversation that I had with one of my very dear friends right after she found out that she’d been laid off from her long-time part time job. She said “I figured, well… If I’m not going to have a job then I am going to darn well have the cleanest house and the cleanest kids around.” She spent the entire weekend scrubbing her house from top to bottom. She quickly realized that this was an impossible feat and really not worth the energy.

Of course, as I recall that conversation I begin to wonder: as a stay at home mom, is my success measured by how clean my house is? Is it measured by how well groomed my kids are? Or how smart they are? Or how many nights per week we eat a home-cooked meal and how many new recipes I can master?

For someone who has had some sort of job from the age of 14, it is a disconcerting position to be in. So many (probably too many) times in my life, i have let my job define me. Among other things; I was a Gap girl, a make-up artist or a PR executive. Each of these positions had a definite set of job expectations, goals and semi-specific work hours. I could measure my performance objectively against what was expected from my position.

Now as a stay at home mom, the job qualifications and work expectations are bit more cloudy…less defined, more subjective...actually, there are none. To my knowledge no one has come up with a defined set of job expectations for a stay-at-home mom. There is no employee handbook, no chart of performance check-points and productivity goals.

So, who does my performance review? My kids? No, although they may want to sometimes. My husband? Um, no. My friends? Eh, not really. So, that leaves me. I suppose I am my own supervisor. I do my own performance reviews…daily, hourly, sometimes minute by minute.

And, what kind of supervisor am I? Am I an empathetic, compassionate boss who understands that life doesn’t always go as planned and that outside circumstances affect work performance? Well…unfortunately no. I believe that I am actually the type of boss that we all dread: nit-picky, overly critical and micro-managing…stifling any spark of creativity and spontaneity. Now that’s a eye-opening realization. I think it’s time to go to the big boss for some support.

Eating Habits

This thought has crossed my mind many times while struggling to navigate the peculiar world of pre-school eating habits: Why do I care so much about what she eats? I pondered this question as I was vacuuming left-over shredded cheese from lunch that was now crusted on the kitchen floor. I mean, my oldest survived for years almost wholly on a diet of bagel bites and tv dinners. By all indications, she seems to be perfectly healthy.

Then again, does it really make sense to say to a three year old “eat all of your grilled cheese and then you can have a couple of French fries” ...Yes, please, eat your bleached flour, trans-fat laden bread filled with processed cheese product that melts well. Then you can eat your simple starch soaked in grease. Oh, it hurts my head.

Why does it have to be so difficult? Before my youngest was born, I was mildly concerned with what ingredients went into the foods that my family ate. After she was born, I became obsessed...probably a little too obsessed. I meticulously check food labels at the grocery store. I cringe at the thought of my sweet little angel drinking an icee...high fructose corn syrup AND food dyes...why, it’s virtually liquid poison! (hence, the little too obsessed comment from earlier) and I am still trying to figure out how to use whole wheat flour in baking without my goodies tasting like sand.

Every week there is new information about foods that are good for you and foods that will kill you...sometimes the same foods in conflicting accounts. That, along with constant comments about our healthy food tasting like cardboard, is almost enough to make me throw up my hands and yell “Forget it! Eat whatever you want!”... almost. I am fully aware that all of this helpful, healthful knowledge has taken some of the fun out of eating and definitely made my trips to the grocery store less exciting but, what do I do? Does this diminish my fixation on feeding my family healthy food? No...but, we might live on the edge and get an icee every once in a while.